A Homecoming Away From Home

M-I-Z-Z-O-U!

This weekend was Mizzou's 108th Homecoming, and my first year missing the festivities since I first set foot on campus in 2011. I LIVE for homecoming, so you already know I was having major FOMO this weekend.

And why wouldn't I? Mizzou Homecoming is the ONE time during the year that I get to link up with the folks I came up with in undergrad. I get to mingle with friends I haven't seen in years and friends I saw last weekend, people I've had connections with since day one and people I've become cool with via Twitter and IG. I get to have all of those people in the same place, at the same time, for ONCE.

And I missed it!

I mean, it was for the best. I start my new job tomorrow (praise break!), so I needed this time to stay home and prepare for what's to come with this new remote position. It was critical that I stayed home to get my things in order. And even before I knew I had the job, I knew I didn't have the funds, so that was the end of that.

Lord knows I'm hurt! Not only am I missing out on my favorite people and favorite activities, but the annual #NOIR party, the most anticipated party of the year for Black Mizzou alum, took place last night and featured a 360° camera that shot pictures of of everyone in their flyest outfits from literally every angle. I was SICK when I saw that!

And I felt guilty for having FOMO, too. Sure, I wasn't trippin over wishing that I could be there. I know that it's okay to long to be with others, or to wanna enjoy the company of people you love. But, it didn't just make me miss my former classmates; it made me sad to be alone, by myself, away from everyone and everything.

I felt guilty because I know it's counterproductive to think this way. I know dwelling on the things I'm missing out on will only make me sad, put me at risk of spiraling into a depressive episode or a state of perpetual anxiety. But I do it anyway. I dwell and get sad and feel blah about being away from the people I love.

Thankfully, though, I didn't stay there.

BUT, I actually caught myself this time. Yup, ya girl is growing and it shows! I told myself, "Self, we are not going down that road again! So what, you couldn't make it this year. You'll be there next year! Until then, bring homecoming to you!"

I'm surprised I even arrived to this level of self-awareness when it comes to my self-talk. But, I'm sure glad I did.

So all week, I did just that. Almost every day this week, I did something Mizzou-related. I wore my Tiger ears and dedicated this week's YouTube video to (Black) Mizzou, and flexed on IG with Mizzou-related attired. I big-upped my alma mater at work and online. Because whether I attend Homecoming or not, I'll always be an alumna, and a Black alumna at that. So why pout about not going? And why not make my own fun where I'm at to celebrate such a joyous occasion? I mean, I already host "dance parties for one" in my living room for me to dance around and feel free, and I'm known to do this several times a week anyway, so why not turn up for The Zou?

I don't know. I guess I'm trying to give myself the space to feel what I feel without using it as a crutch or hinderance to my own growth. I shouldn't feel guilty for having FOMO. I just shouldn't be cooped up alone feeling sorry for myself, either. I guess that means this is about balance—about still finding happiness with where I am, even when I'm not where I wanna be.

And I'm not quite there yet, but y'all, I'm well on my way. Besides, it'll always be MIZ this way.

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